Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: Worst Movie Ever?

2006-12-12 00:11 - Links

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964) is considered to be one of the worst movies ever made. It is so bad, that it is actually fun to watch. The filmmakers were probably too embarrassed to renew the copyright, so it's now in the public domain.

So here's a crazy old movie that's truly horrible. The IMDB ranks it in the bottom 100 movies ever, a 2.6 getting it #79th place from worst ever. Let's see how much of it I can stand. Here's what seems horribly wrong.

  1. Opening scene, Andy Henderson is heavily covered in snow .. just above the shoulders .. just on the front.
  2. In the first scene on Mars (about 6:30 in), Chief Kimar is angry at Dropo for sleeping on the job. In the very next scene, he forces two kids, Bomar and Girmar to get to sleep.
  3. Kimar uses "the sleep spray" on the kids, to get them to sleep. Why are these kids, in a (poorly portrayed) advanced civilization insomniacs? Earth TV. Sure. They can come up with sleep spray and doors that open when you point at them (7:20), but no better entertainment than Earth in the '60s?
  4. Port side rockets number one, number two, fired! (16:20) But the two actors on screen lurch in opposite directions. Again at the 19:50 mark, except with four actors on screen, and at least three different directions. Third time's the charm, they get it right at 21:30.
  5. Twenty minutes in, the Air Force mans its planes, to apparently attack a space ship, which has been acknowledged to be invisible to radar. Yeah, right.
  6. The martians arrive at the north pole, to kidnap Santa (30:00). There isn't snow, no no. There's an arid, rocky landscape.
  7. The big monster robot politely knocks, before kicking the door in. (37:00)
  8. Headline: "Santa Claus Kidnaped by Martians!" (39:50) Kidnapped, too!
  9. Every random kid in the mid '60s has a thorough understanding of airlock systems, and can lecture extraterrestrials on their nuances, naturally! (46:30)
  10. Though early, the plot of the movie was explained as there being no martian children (they're electronically taught to adult levels before they can walk), Momar sends her kids "back to their studies". (52:44)
  11. Kimar, and most others, gradually grew lighter and lighter, losing their makeup, through the film.

To paraphrase a cliche, "I can't believe I watched the whole thing!"

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